In Spite Of What My Heart Says
by Princess Misery
Summary: You've avoided Dean for a while, but there's so much that's been left unsaid. He catches up to you and you'll happily distract him to put off the inevitable difficult conversation. Warnings: smut, choking, rough sex (sort of!), p in v, unresolved angst, language. Characters: Dean, you. Mentioned: Sam and Cas. Pairing: Dean x You (she/her/Y.N)


**Summary: **You've avoided Dean for a while, but there's so much that's been left unsaid. He catches up to you and you'll happily distract him to put off the inevitable difficult conversation.

**Warnings**: smut, choking, rough sex (sort of!), p in v, unresolved angst, language.

**Song & Artist:** You're Makin' Me High - Toni Braxton.

**W/C:** 3.1k (inc. lyrics)

**Notes:** Set around season 10. For day 9 of negans-lucille-tblr and the-minus-four (tumblr) 12 days of Ficmas challenge prompt was "Christmas Lights / Choking"

**Characters: **Dean, you. **Mentioned**: Sam and Cas.

**Pairing**: Dean x You (she/her/Y.N)

* * *

**In Spite Of What My Heart Says**

The Christmas Market heaved with people. Families huddled together under the heat lamps, couples kissed under plastic mistletoe, kids chased one another through the crowds and dogs yapped at passersby or begged for scraps at their master's feet.

The town square held endless rows of stalls that sold trinkets, hand-made cards, and handcrafted baubles for the trees that were yet to be decorated. Christmas music played from speakers disguised as snowmen or elves. The aroma of all the different types of food that sizzled on grills or simmered in large pots wafted around Y/N as she strolled lazily through the throngs of people, sipping a seven dollar coffee that tasted like cigarette ash.

The makeshift market was the perfect hunting ground. Three victims were last seen perusing the festive stalls, and so that's where she needed to be to follow the vampires to their nest. Nothing that was on offer interested her; she certainly did not feel the Christmas spirit. She was working, and she wanted to kill the vamps and be done with the butt end of nowhere town.

This wasn't just any old ass end of nowhere town, though. She'd been there before. Usually she'd forgotten about this kind of place before it disappeared in her rearview, but this particular one already held memories. She'd tried to push them to the back of her mind but had been unable, as she'd been forced to stay in the same motel in which said memories had taken place.

The town was packed. Its seemed every resident's family was visiting for the holidays, which meant rooms were hard to come by. The ugly Christmas sweater-wearing clerk of 'Happy Days Inn' had held out the key to room 205, and Y/N's jaw had ticked seeing the numbers. She begged the clerk for another room, any room. She'd sleep on the floor in the office or pay extra to swap with someone else if she had to. But it hadn't been necessary. By a small Christmas miracle, there was one other room free. Room 211. Still, it meant Y/N had to pass 205 every day.

The joyous atmosphere of the market wasn't welcomed, but it was preferable to sitting in the motel.

Y/N suspected that the girl fifteen feet ahead was the vamps shepherd, the one to round up the innocent victims to take them back to the nest. She held back, pretended to admire an ornament on the table next to her when the guy on the vampire shepherd's arms took a moment to do the same on the stall nearest to them. They looked normal to an unfamiliar eye, just a regular couple on a date, but Y/N knew better. The surveillance footage showed the same girl had been present on the day of each abduction.

Y/N observed them from the corner of her eye and waited for her opportunity. When they came close enough she deliberately bumped into them.

"Oh, shit!" Y/N arms were outstretched to add sincerity to her fake apology. "I'm so sorry, did I spill any on you?"

"No, you're fine," was the tight-lipped response. "Just watch where you're going next time."

He was a handsome guy in his early twenties. Y/N got the impression it wasn't fine at all, he probably didn't want to look like a jerk in front of the girl he was trying to get lucky with; assuming he got that far before the creature sank her teeth into him and drained him dry.

Y/N bumped the side of her head with the heel of her hand, "Sorry, just got so much on my mind. You know how the holiday season gets."

He gave her a small nod and ushered his 'date' around her in a wide arc as if she'd bump into him again if he weren't careful. She apologised one last time, told them to have a good night, but the second her back was turned, Y/N dropped the fake smile. She'd accomplished her mission.

She made her way through the crowds, tossed the cup of ash-like coffee into the nearest trash can, and pulled up the app on her phone to activate the tracker she'd slipped into the soon to be victim's pocket.

Despite the din of the numerous conversations around her, and before she saw him, she heard him, clear as day.

"Nice move."

She froze but didn't turn to search for him in the crowd. Maybe she imagined it. Maybe her mind playing tricks because of the town she was in, conjuring up memories she didn't want.

"They didn't suspect a thing," he noted. The comment came from directly behind her, and though he wasn't close enough, Y/N felt the hairs rise on the back of her neck as if he'd whispered the words against her skin.

Y/N couldn't move. She told her feet to take a step, but they remained in place as if they had been set in concrete. She cursed under her breath.

What were the odds of _him _showing up in _this _town? Y/N wasn't so stupid as to go it alone, but Garth had been busy on a shifter case three states over. It would have been days and who knew how many more victims before he could get there. Garth had promised to make some calls to see who else was nearby, and the tracking device she'd planted had been for surveillance purposes until back up arrived.

Of course, on a case in _this _town, at what some people believed was a romantic time of year, it would be the Winchesters that turned up.

Uncooperative feet meant she either had to wait for him to get tired of staring at her back before he stepped into her line of sight, or she had to sack up and meet his eye. Reluctantly she turned to face him dragging her gaze from the ground.

Dean's expression was stony, almost expressionless except for the slight pull of his brow. This wasn't any easier for him. "Garth didn't tell you he called us, huh?"

She shrugged and swallowed to work some saliva into her mouth to answer. "My other cell's back at the motel. Maybe he did, I just haven't picked it up yet."

"Sam's got a lead on the nest."

She fought not to roll her eyes. Of course, the youngest Winchester would be a step ahead of her. She wouldn't be surprised if they'd already finished the job.

"He's just at the library getting some blueprints," Dean told her, pointing over her shoulder. She didn't need to turn to look at the white marble historic building to know which one he meant. "I saw you in the crowd."

The steps to the library would have given him a clear, broad view of every aisle, though she wasn't sure how he'd have picked her out of the seemingly hundreds of other visitors.

She chuckled, an attempt to lighten the awkward tension. "Guess I'm not as inconspicuous as I thought."

"You blend in just fine," he admitted. "The hat gave you away."

The only hat she'd had was black with the Punisher skull printed on it. He'd given it to her as a gift years before. She'd preferred to have not worn it, didn't need another reminder of him, but it was too damn cold. Meeting his eyes again, she saw him recall the memory too. The slight pull on his lips told her as much.

Her heart fluttered. Her brain wanted to tell him to shut up, and her body wanted to bite the smirk off his pretty mouth. She chose to focus on her feet, using the toe of her boot to melt a patch of snow.

"You look good, Y/N."

"Cut the crap, Dean." She glared at him to add weight to her warning.

"I see you haven't lost your bullshit radar," he smiled, endearing and sincere.

She shook her head, perplexed. He was stalling, and the dazzling smile was a ploy to soften her up before he told her what she already suspected. "You've already cleared out the nest, right?" she sighed, frustrated, "and Sam and, I'm guessing Cas, are waiting for my new friends in the parking lot."

He grinned and nodded his affirmation, "See, definitely haven't lost your touch." He took a step closer to her, hesitant in his approach but used that soft, confident lip bite he knew she'd never been able to resist. "So now you've got the whole night free. Wanna go grab a drink, talk?"

"Talk?" She cocked her brow.

When had Dean Winchester ever wanted to _just _talk? Not since the day she'd met him had they drank and 'talked'. She couldn't help herself. Standing so close to him after so long, she got lost in the colour of his eyes. Being in the town they'd first hooked up in, he'd been on her mind for days. She'd touched herself thinking about him, so why not sate that desire? After all, they'd always been good at sex. Talking was their downfall, that's why she'd avoided it.

"Why don't we forget the drink and just skip to what happens after?" she winked.

Any hesitation disappeared, and a broad, all-knowing smirk replaced it. Dean grabbed her hand. "Come with me," he said as he dragged her between two stalls away from the crowds.

* * *

_Attraction closed until further notice_.

The handwritten sign blurred out of focus, and the twinkling Christmas lights at the entrance to the Winter Wonderland dimmed when Dean applied more pressure around her throat.

His hand tightened with every thrust of his hips. Lights dimmed then brightened, black seeped into the edges of her vision, and then he'd draw back and everything would come back into focus. Senses overloaded, overwhelmed, she ached for more. She was high on him, felt like all she had to do was reach out and she'd be able to touch the stars.

The cold that nipped at her naked ass and legs contrasted with the warmth of Dean's skin when he collided with her hips. His cock drove up into her perfectly. The hem of his jacket and the waistband of his jeans scraped against her skin where her leg wrapped around his hips. He'd been too impatient to push them further down his legs than was necessary to free his already rock hard dick. She dug the heel of her boot into the flesh of his naked ass and could feel it tense every time he fucked into her.

"Damn. I've missed this." Cock buried to the base in her pussy and head tucked in her neck, he groaned, "I've missed you."

"Less talking, more fucking, Dean!"

Her sassy remark earned a pounded slap of flesh on flesh, and his grip around her neck tightened. The lights swam in her vision again.

"Holy shit, De," Y/N whined, eyes rolled back. The intensity of the orgasm felt like it shook the fake wooden hut behind her.

He used his free hand to unwrap her leg from his waist and push it higher, and she tiptoed to accommodate the angle, not that he felt it. A strangled cry bled from her lips, and he darted forward again. Another needy moan rang out of her. He pulled back slowly, plunged in, and she screamed.

Dean crushed her mouth with his, kissed her bruisingly, to shut her up. She broke the kiss, panted to fill her lungs again. His cock sunk as deep as he could bury in her clenching cunt. He held still and pulled back to look at her. His breath hitched as he looked at her. She looked exquisite, flushed cheeks, her laboured breath escaped in white clouds. He almost forgot what he was going to say until she wriggled her hips to encourage him to move again and her eyes pleaded silently. "You're gonna get us caught if you keep that up, sweetheart."

"You talk too much," she decided and threw her hand around his throat, cutting off his air so he couldn't say another word.

He growled under her hand and fucked into her, relentless and hard. Their eyes locked with one another, hands gripped around each other's throats. The vein in his temple protruded and she watched as it pulsed, the telltale sign he was on the edge of needing to gasp. But they both knew what pressure to apply and when. Dean's fingers perfectly interrupted the blood flow in her neck and she constricted his airflow sufficiently, it was a perfect combination of too much and not enough.

Her second climax coated his dick, and Y/N's fingers squeezed his neck as her pussy walls clenched around him. Dean released a low, broken grunt when he added his orgasm to the mix.

They both stilled. Y/N's hand dropped from Dean's neck, and he slid his hand behind her head to draw her mouth to his. He hummed greedily when their tongues met.

The kiss ended naturally, and he pulled back to drink her in. He ran his fingertip delicately down her neck. "Shit. Sorry, you might have marks tomorrow."

She grinned, wicked and proud, "I'll wear a scarf."

He chuckled and kissed her again, firm but quick, before he untangled their bodies.

Y/N found her panties in the bunched up denim of the jeans that pooled at her feet, and she pulled them both up. When she felt like she was in some form of acceptable state, she looked to Dean.

"You wanna get that drink now?" he asked, brow raised and hope laced in his tone.

Y/N shook her head, absolute and final. "No."

"Okay, so that's how you're playing this." He smirked but stared at her expectantly, and anger pinched the corners of his eyes. "You didn't return my calls." He sounded hurt, but what had he expected?

"Didn't feel like there was much to say," she shrugged nonchalantly. The pretty fairy lights that twinkled from the out of service attraction haloed him as if _he _were the Winter Wonderland, and she had to avert her gaze.

"Okay, let me get this straight," began Dean, counting off on his fingers. "I turn into a demon, take off leaving a shitty note, Sam cures me, then you ditch my calls. But you don't think there's much to say?" he nodded, pissed and pensive.

"You left that note for Sam, Dean! 'Sammy let me go,'" she quoted, her voice low and sad. "That said everything, don't you think?"

"No, I don't," he said, voice rising, throwing his hands in the air. "That's why I called a million times, tried to track you down, left a hundred messages. I wanted to talk."

She shoved her hands into her pockets, pursed her lips. He had some nerve shouting at her when he was the one who'd gone to howl at the moon with Crowley. "Okay, fine. I'm here now, so talk."

"Here?"

"What? You wanna go stroll hand in hand through the crowds?" she asked. Sarcasm oozed from the comment and she saw his jaw tick as his anger level rose. She sighed, heavy and tinged with regret. "Look, I'm sorry I ditched your calls, and I don't want to fight, Dean." She held his gaze, kept her features in a solid mask of defiance. "But the moment your eyes turned black, we both knew it was over."

Ashamed, Dean dropped his hazel eyes, "Y/N, I'm sorry, I should never have-"

"Don't," she interrupted and closed the small gap between them. She guided his head up to look her in the eyes. "You absolutely should have. You stopped Abbadon. I dread to think what we'd be dealing with now if you hadn't. I don't blame you, De. It's no one's fault."

Crestfallen, he held her gaze, "Then why do I feel like your punishing me for it?"

"I'm not," said Y/N. She gave a short sympathetic smile. "I'm just not able to pretend you weren't gone for months, doing god knows what and _who _with Crowley. I can't. I won't, and I don't think I should have to apologise for that either."

"I wasn't me," he argued desperately.

"Excuse me, you can't be back here!"

They both snapped their heads to look at the steward in the fluorescent jacket as he walked toward them.

"Sorry," Dean called out, "we're just leaving."

Y/N used the interruption to run. Before Dean turned back to face her, she had marched away. She hurried through the gaps between the huts and heard him call her name as she rejoined the flow of the crowd. She had no intention of hanging around. Seeing Sam and Cas would have been nice, but she couldn't risk Dean catching up to her.

She broke the speed limit getting back to the motel to grab the few things she'd left in the room. Twenty minutes later, she was on the highway, and as the town faded into the distance, Dean's face in her mind seemed to increase in clarity. The distance she put between them bought him closer, bright and beautiful and, most of all, unwanted.

* * *

**Lyrics for Inspo (not all lyrics)**

I'll always think of you

Inside of my private thoughts

I can imagine you

Touching my private parts

With just the thought of you

I can't help but touch myself

That's why I want you so bad

Just one night of

Moonlight with you there beside me

All night doin' it again and again

You know I want you so bad

Baby baby baby baby (baby baby baby baby)

Oh I get so high

When I'm around you baby

I can touch the sky

You make my temperature rise

You're makin' me high

Oh baby baby baby baby

Can't get my mind off you

I think I might be obsessed

The very thought of you

Makes me want to get undressed

I want to be with you

In spite of what my heart says

I guess I want you too bad

All I want is


End file.
